Game Plan for Life Begins Now

At the risk of sounding over-programmed, unrealistic or downright crazy, I will share some of the steps our family will be taking to get ready for college starting now, in the second half of sophomore year.

We talk about high school a lot -- grades, activities, junior year classes. We're still filling holes in the summer schedule, but there will likely be some math preview work as our teen looks ahead to Algebra II. We're also looking at an overview SAT prep class. It's a two-week summer program. My goal on this: to get her familiar with the tests in a setting more structured than her bedroom; to help her learn strategies and some basic approaches to the tests; to refine even more where she needs to focus special effort. Junior year we'll likely do more intense test prepping prior to SATs.

We've done one college tour, a school not too far away. We'll look at more campuses over the summer so that when we hit junior year, we may have better ideas of where she will want to spend more time -- whether interviewing, in classes or just strolling the campus.

I'd like to see our teen peruse one of those books of majors (will pick one up soon.) She has some ideas and directions, but seeing descriptions of what specific majors entail may be helpful as she shapes her thoughts on which colleges might make sense.

It's a lot of work. But perhaps doing the thinking now and looking ahead to some of the things she wants from life may help her keep focused on what's important. By that I mean a fulfilled and happy life. What college she goes to is really just a small part of that.

I have done a lot of muddling -- through college, and at times, professionally. Maybe our daughter will be more firm-footed.

Yet Again, Another Facebook Warning. Please Pay Attention

Kaplan, the test people, recently issued a report on a survey regarding Facebook use by college admissions staff, stating that 82 percent of the 386 participating admissions officers used Facebook as a recruiting tool. It turns out that the statistic also encompasses prospective students who sent a request to friend an admissions officer. Eighty percent of the admissions people say yes, up nine percent from a 2009 study.

So, it's not just about prowling admissions officers digging up unsavory photos or tasteless comments -- it's about students inviting them to do so. Even though most of our kids are pretty smart about this stuff, here are a few simple tips, from Facebook and other sources, about positioning a teen's Facebook persona prior to applying to colleges.

1. Clean up the photos in the Facebook gallery. If there is anything questionable or ambiguous, kill it. If teens see a photo of themselves elsewhere, untag it and try to get it deleted.
2. Use the privacy settings. Make sure what you want private is private. Or make sure what is not protected is a fair representation that you wouldn't mind your mom seeing.
3. Google yourself occasionally to make sure there are no problems.

Facebook is becoming part of our students' applications. It may not carry the weight of GPAs and test scores, but it can be a factor. So be smart about it.

Is the College Admissions Process Morally Ambiguous?

There was a headline in our local paper today about the "moral ambiguity" of characters in a particular TV series. My daughter said she disliked that phrase, thought it seemed over-used to the point that it didn't mean anything. And that was after she'd spent hours working on a history essay about Jefferson, so she clearly grasps the meaning of the phrase.

And maybe I am just in a mood, brought on by a rainy Monday. But it made me wonder: isn't the college admissions process at times morally ambiguous? We tell our kids to work hard, participate in meaningful activities, write thoughtful essays, do well on the standardized tests, and all should work out. But are we really telling the truth? The Huffington Post looked at some 2011 admissions rates and found that based on the highest ever number of applicants, the year is shaping up as a year with some of the lowest acceptance rates ever. Our kids have a dream, do what they are supposed to do, and many won't get into the colleges of their choice.

Maybe it's all the way of the world. For a laugh, look at actions taken by some students (and their parents), have done to get into their college of choice. Bribes, declaring an ethnicity that isn't, etc. There are some good tips, here, too.

Now, I understand that teens need to learn about the real world; that they are usually happy wherever they wind up; and that colleges need to keep up their standards so that appear as selective as possible. Oh well, maybe I am confusing moral ambiguity and life.

But here's an antidote to all of my kvetching. Just read about these kids, chosen as Times Scholars by The New York Times.

First Campus Visit -- A Way to Get Into the Head Game of College

My daughter, a friend of hers and I embarked on that critical first step, the one that brings college just a bit closer. We took a group tour of Rutgers University, the State University of New Jersey.

It was my first tour, so there's no way I can compare -- yet. But it seemed to be a good overview: an hour with an admissions officer talking about the school and answering questions, and an hour on a bus touring the campuses that make up Rutgers -- and seeing a model dorm room. Certainly the tour left the girls interested and me better educated about Rutgers and its strong points.

Thank you, Rutgers, for giving two teens their first whiff of higher academics, and encouraging them to start focusing more on their pathway to college.

Student Newspaper -- Good Training that Goes Beyond Writing

I've just been reading the February issue of The Columbian, the student newspaper at our daughter's school. Wish I could share it with you, but it is not online. That's a shame.

It's an impressive display of student thinking, writing, art and whimsy. And it's also an incredible amount of work. The students need to plan, adhere to deadlines, work as a team (not particularly easy for adults, let alone teens), coerce and charm fellow students into getting their assignments done and try to understand school politics.

The editorial this month looked at an event that had occurred in the fall. A student-painted mural called "We the People," created by an AP U.S. History class, was removed by school officials. Nothing was said before the removal and no one had any comments after the deed was done. I have no idea why the mural disappeared and why the administration isn't talking. But I do believe the paper's editorial board handled the issue well.

The editorial began by acknowledging the high degree of freedom the paper has in reporting on news. Then the editorial outlined all that the editors tried to do to learn about what happened to "We the People."

Although they could draw no conclusions because the editors still had no facts, the editorial still managed to raise the issue and teach a lesson on the value of freedom of speech.

Nice work. And congratulations on a fine school newspaper.

Moms and Their Teens - Letting Go

There's a new novel by Karen Russell, Swamplandia, which is getting fine reviews.\

Swamplandia! is set in a down-at-the-heels tourist attraction in Florida that spotlights alligator wrestling. It's about the wonderful and bizarre family that runs it, and a big old bear named Judy Garland. Haven't read the book (yet?), but the reviewer said that a line at the end of the book sums up the book's focus: “mothers burning inside the risen suns of their children.”

Not sure I fully understand the meaning without reading the book, but let me give it a shot. The line could apply to any mother, from Mama Rose in Gypsy to ordinary moms. We're the ones who don't want to relive/redeem our own lives through our children, but who just plain hope we've given them all that they need to succeed, be happy. And, I'd also suggest, we also hope that we can pinpoint some parts of ourselves in that success.

Here's a related article by Harold S. Koplewicz, MD, president of the Child Mind Institute, on letting go of your child, when the time comes. He looks at it from the transitional point of the high school senior/college freshman.

From this parent's perspective, the first 18 years of our children's lives amount to a crazy, meshed process of being protective and supportive and always there while at the same time letting go, bit by bit. If we wait till they are off to college, I am not sure either mom or child is then fully prepared (or able to cope) with the next phase.

As Dr. Koplewicz says, college is just another transition point. Our children will still need us, for which I am mightily glad.

Thanks, Andrea, for sharing this site with me.

Can It Be? FAFSA a Detriment in Admissions?

It's come to this: need blind is dead. Some colleges today are more likely to accept students who can afford the college. I don't think we're at the money-trumps-qualifications stage yet, but it seems to me it's a slippery slope.

Here's a news report that looks at the latest admissions angst.

Williams has begun admitting more international students able to pay the full cost of tuition, and this year it will once again include loans as part of financial aid packages. The article also says Middlebury and Wake Forest have begun to look at the financial aid status of wait-listed students when they consider admission. Tufts University, which used to admit all students on a "need-blind" basis (students were admitted regardless of ability to pay in 2007 and 2008), is once again "need-aware" for some applicants, which means it looks at the applicant's financial status. some noted schools that still have need-blind admissions are raising costs for higher-income families.

From the article: "Mark Kantrowitz, founder of FinAid.org, a financial-aid Web site, estimates that about 5% of the application pool may increase their chances of being admitted by not applying for aid—with international and wait-listed students seeing the greatest benefit. If the school does practice need-blind admissions, he says, ask if that policy also applies to international or wait-listed students."

It's possible we may be facing a new era of admissions. The view isn't pretty.

Sewanee Cutting Tuition -- Cue the Applause

Sewanee: The University of the South is cutting tuition 10 percent. Schools just don't take this step -- and those that have are generally small, unknown.

Sewanee, located the highlands of Tennessee, is noted for its English Department in part due to a bequest from playwright Tennessee Williams. The college is not exactly altruistic in making this move. It believes that doing so will allow it to compete more effectively against state colleges such as UVA and UNC, two colleges to which it loses students it has accepted, and against private colleges such as Vanderbilt and Washington & Lee which are, of course, increasing tuition.

Last September I suggested we start the Tuition Coalition, a means of banding together to decry the high costs. Right now it's still a group of one, but as sole officer of the coalition, I hereby bestow our highest honor on Sewanee. Here's to doing the right thing, whatever the reason!

Colleges, Think About Your Messages

Ever since our daughter took the PSATs as a sophomore, she has been swamped with emails and letters from colleges. She is astounded by the silliness of the correspondence.

As she says, they all say the same thing, in slightly different format: 7 "Must-Know Campus Visit Tips," "Four Things You Need to Know about College," take the "Your Personality...Your Major" online quiz, another quiz called "Major Decision Time," "5 Expert Tips about Scholarships and Financial Aid." And so on, and so on.

Hey guys, sophisticate up. These are hokey, silly and a waste of money -- at least that's how the teen in this household perceives it.

Is There Any Time for Good, Old-Fashioned Recreational Reading?

Amidst all of the homework, the prepping, sports, clubs, socializing in person or online, getting a little sleep, is there any reading of unassigned books going on?

First, my personal confession. Though I read print newspapers and periodicals, my weak showing in book reading is a personal embarrassment. How can I urge our teen to read books of her choosing (but not necessarily ones she had read before) when I am not doing it myself.

There is an interesting trend -- an uptick in reading among young people who use e-readers.

If it takes an electronic delivery system to get teens to read, well, I am all for whatever works to broaden their reading menu, give them something new to consider, or allow them to provide an interesting response when asked by an admissions officer what they've been reading.

My husband reads lots of real books. He sets a good example. I do not. So I am going to start reading again. And to hold my feet to the fire, I will report once a week (or so) on what I've read. Who knows, there may still be a book club in my future.

Sophomores Look Ahead to All Important Junior Year

One of the guidance counselors at our high school shares what she is telling sophomores now as they begin thinking ahead to next year.

“It is important that students choose their classes carefully for their junior year. They should discuss with their teachers the right levels to take. And they should work at the most difficult level at which they can experience success.”

On their own, she says, they should start considering their summer activities. “If they have an idea about what they are interested in studying, they should begin exploring summer programs. Many are listed in Naviance. Summers are also a good time to seek employment and volunteer work.”

Finally, she reminds us about something we've discussed before -- something that can be done now to ease possible headaches down the road. “Sophomores should be listing all of their activities, honors, awards, athletics, volunteer work and employment now in the resume builder in their personal Naviance accounts. This will greatly ease some of the burden of the application process during senior year.”

And as always, the College Board has specific advice for sophomores. So there you have it -- more homework for sophomores.

A Postponed and Evolving Post about Girls/ Are We Giving Them the Right Stuff

It all started a few weeks ago when I was looking at a Bloomberg Business Week. I flipped through about 15 pages in a not particularly thick publication before I found a woman -- any woman -- in anything other than ads. I had looked at page after page of mostly white men who were heads of companies or serving on boards and wondered why more women weren't on these pages.

I had gotten this far when our daughter saw what I was writing and told me this wasn't really related to college admissions. I thought that maybe she was right, so I put it aside.

The post is back, after I read some facts backing up my concern. In the current issue of the same magazine, an article asks, Business Plan Contests: Where Are the Women?" It's about contests for student entrepreneurs, of which there are about 100 in the U.S. Apparently only about 20 percent of the entries are from women.

Entrepreneurship experts blame a lack of confidence and bluster, fear of risk and an ongoing lack of women in engineering. And guess where the problem starts! With us, in our girls' childhood. As one woman says, "You have to be able to toot your horn in a way that we're not seeing women doing." We don't seem to teach that skill to girls.

Some of these competitions are now focusing on increasing women's participation. Meanwhile, what can we do as parents to ensure that our daughters are ready, and eager, to take chances in their careers? What can we do to let them see and grasp options that go beyond the standard "girl" choices.

I can't believe we still must ask these questions in 2011.

Help from an Expert on Financial Aid Questions

Here's a seven-part series, a financial aid Q&A that, if you are patient in reading through it, you are bound to find useful.

It looks at a number of issues related to the FAFSA as well as more arcane financial aid questions.

One thing we should all remember: if financial circumstances change (loss of job, substantial decrease in salary or loss of a minor's Social Security benefits when he turns 18, for example) it is difficult to make this clear on the FAFSA form, particularly if the event occurs mid-year and is not reflected in tax forms. That's when you call the financial aid office of a school your child is interested in or has been accepted by. And you ask for a professional judgment review, aka a special circumstances review or financial aid appeal. Once the college has the required documentation of this change in situation, it will make an adjustment to the FAFSA form. By the way, colleges are not required to make this adjustment but have been strongly encouraged to do so, in a letter from the Department of Education.

Happy reading!

There's Value in Old-Fashioned Science Fairs

I've decried the lack of research paper assignments. Today my old fogey remarks are related to science fairs.

President Obama recently said that science fair winners should be celebrated just as much as Super Bowl winners. Science fairs seem to die out after middle school. We need them in high schools. These fairs, for decades, enabled students who might not have considered themselves scientist material to think about science as a career. Michele Glidden, of the nonprofit Society for Science & the Public, said, "Science fairs develop skills that reach down to everybody's lives, whether you want to be a scientist or not."

Of course, one of the reasons the fairs are becoming so rare is that teens are too busy doing other things to help them get into college -- and yet the fundamentals learned in doing these projects might help them be more successful students and more engaged citizens than some of the other activities. And, these fairs help students get excited about science in ways that classroom learning just can't elicit.

My high school didn't have science fairs. That was a pity. Our daughter will be participating in one later this spring -- a group endeavor. So not only will she gain more knowledge about the subject but she and her peers will also gain more experience in collaboration.

Metacognition -- Useful Skill or Just Hokum?

As parent of a sophomore, I am most interested (right now) in making certain our daughter has the learning skills she needs to succeed in school, college and life. That's why I am intrigued when I read about techniques to help students learn and study.

I am currently fascinated by metacognition, defined, at least by one source, as awareness or analysis of one's own learning or thinking processes. Here's some background on the subject, which opens with a tantalizing question: "Why do some students in a course perform better than others of roughly equal ability?" the article describes discussions on the topic at the recent annual meeting of the Association of American Colleges and Universities.

By the time kids get to college, you would hope that they know how to learn. We all know that isn't true, and I can sympathize with professorsa who want to focus on content, not how- to-study-seminars. So, is there anything to this? I don't know, but while I was investigating the subject I found this list of questions based on metacognition fundamentals.

I may use some of them to keep me on course when I am trying to sort through a project or assignment. I'm all for anything that brings clarity -- and self-awareness, even now.

Some Straightforward Guidance on Admissions

One of the benefits of blogging is that I look at so many other writers, whether in blogs, print or even TV. I am especially impressed with work I see on the Patch, the online news platform backed by AOL that can be found across the country, dispensing local news and prompting discussion.

Here's a two-part discussion on admissions from the Annapolis, MD, Patch -- from the private and public school perspectives.

I found the private school counselor had the most interesting, commonsense points. And I also learned about an organization I didn't know about: the Education Conservancy, which describes itself as "a non-profit organization committed to improving college admission processes for students, colleges and high schools." Be sure to read its manifesto, offering guidance for students and parents.

Wall Street Recruiters' Shallow Field of Vision

Here's some commentary from The Atlantic on the issue of why Wall Street primarily seems to hire Ivy graduates.

What does that have to do with the undergraduate application process? Well, I think it has something to do with why kids want the most highly selective/big name schools. They perceive advantages that are economic and prestigious. As the piece points out, there are just as bright kids in other schools, but it's easier to recruit from a handful of places, rather than having to travel all over the country looking for those who might make the cut.

It's all crazy. But it is also how the game is played, at least now. So how should we advise our teens when increasingly the ability to make a living plays into decisions our teenagers have to make about colleges?

How Long Does It Take To Graduate from College?

In New Jersey, it takes a long time.

The chances of getting out of college in four years is 50/50. At schools like Montclair State, Kean University and William Paterson, not even a third of the students gain their bachelors' degrees in four years.

That's part of the findings of a Star-Ledger analysis of graduation rates from 27 schools in the state.

These are scary statistics, especially since some students seem to be fighting a vicious economic circle. Sometimes it is because the students are working long hours to pay for their education, causing them to spread out classes. In other cases, the schools, due to cutbacks, offer fewer courses and it takes longer for students to get the requisite courses for their majors. Or it costs them more as they try to take needed classes in the summer or over winter break.

The economic side of this story is reinforced by specific numbers: 90 percent of Princeton undergrads graduate in four years, Rutgers comes in at 49 percent and at New Jersey City University, in Jersey City, only six percent of freshmen graduate four years later.

And these are 2008 figures. The numbers are probably getting worse -- though some students may have had greater economic incentive to have finished on time because there was simply no money to prolong the undergraduate experience.

I wonder, in a highly competitive job market, if an employer might not prefer a student who finished in four years rather than someone who took five or six. Unfairly or not, the undergrad who took longer may look less ambitious, more like a dawdler.

What do other states' graduation rates look like? I don't know, but here in the Garden State, our college kids are not flourishing.

How Can We Help Our Children Feel Better about Themselves?

It's never good to worry and stew. It's never good to be depressed. But somehow it's even worse when it's a young person who's affected.

Two friends pointed out this article to me. It's about the emotional health of college freshmen -- the lowest it has been in 25 years, when the annual survey was started.

These students -- only 52 percent of whom feel their emotional health is above average -- come to campus under stress. Some are even already taking medication to ease their pain. The economy isn't helping, as they worry about the cosst of college, their own diminished outlooks for jobs and the debt they have taken on to get an education that may not land them any job, let alone a fulfilling (and maybe even decently paying) position.

What's even more upsetting to me as the mother of a girl is that the gap between boys' and girls' emotional health is widening -- and not in the girls' favor. They were more likely to seek help from campus professionals than boys -- but they were also less likely to do the activities that might ease stress, such as sports and exercise and more likely to do volunteer work, help out their families, activities which may not help with stress relief.

And I found this comment by one of the researchers equally upsetting. "Women’s sense of emotional well-being was more closely tied to how they felt the faculty treated them,” she said. “It wasn’t so much the level of contact as whether they felt they were being taken seriously by the professor. If not, it was more detrimental to women than to men.”

She added: “And while men who challenged their professor’s ideas in class had a decline in stress, for women it was associated with a decline in well-being.”

The economy will recover, though there will be long-term ramifications that will greatly affect our children's futures. But what I want to know is why our girls still feel this way in the classroom, the way I sometimes did decades ago.

Thanks to Andrea Axelrod and Amy Engel for passing this news along.

Do You Know Where Your Teens Will Be This Summer? Part 2

Yesterday we heard the parent perspective on how their teens will spend the summer. Now, three professionals speak. First, an admissions officer.

She states at the beginning what our panelists already figured out. "As long as the student is doing something productive, we have no preference for how the summer is spent."

Then she adds, "There are some activities that are going to be more notable than others. Highly selective programs that don’t require the student to pay are impressive. (In New Jersey, Governor’s School and the New Jersey Scholars Program come to mind.) We also love to see students who work full time in a less-than-glamorous job, particularly if those jobs are a big contrast to their normal, upper-middle-class suburban lives. In fact, when I give info sessions, I often say 'look for a job.' (I used to say 'get a job' but given the economy, that’s not always easy.)

She also pointed out, "More and more students are doing research or doing college summer programs these days. While those activities are useful for the students, I think there’s a sense that they’re going to impress us more than other activities, and they don’t.

"Finally, we essentially ignore all those national leadership forum opportunities, People to People, etc. There’s nothing wrong with them, but they’re not all that competitive and of no greater value than other experiences. That’s not to say that the experiences can’t be enriching for the student; they’re just not that unusual."

Linda Auld, of Suburban Learning Center, recommends summer standardized test tutoring for students who need more than testing strategies: "So it's really remediation in reading comprehension, writing skills, or math concepts which will help them with the SAT or ACT but more importantly will help them develop the skills they will need to do well in their academic classes. I often use the idea that we are 'prepping' for the SAT/ACT to motivate high school students to work on academic skill development."

Now, from a high school teacher's perspective. Lauren Fazio says, "Since I teach writing, many of my seniors come to me for help with their applications, more specifically the short answer sections. I did see one college (it was definitely an Ivy, but I don't remember which one) that explicitly asked the question, "What did you do last summer?" My student was able to talk about a church retreat, a class she took, and books she's read -- definitely more personal than the other questions, and shows an active applicant. I think that's the bottom line--as
long as they do something.

"But, I still think this is prime time to explore options and paths
they might want to revisit later, not just for an impressive resume
(though that's always nice) but for something to talk about in an
interview, write about in a common app short answer, or nurture as a
passion later.

"They might learn from being a camp counselor that they want to teach young children (or DON'T want to teach young children). Or if they volunteer in a
hospital, they may learn how to care for others--a skill that extends
far past hospital walls. Or if they take a photography class, they
may develop a passion (and a portfolio to show colleges later). At
the very least, any of these avenues will give them something to say
when colleges ask, in writing or in person, 'What significant event or
activity has changed your life?' And with so many demands on
them during the school year, summer is a great time to devote the
hours. They're less likely to resent the hours they spend doing
something that, without the resentment, they may end up loving."

One final comment from our admissions officer panelist. "One thing I have noticed is that it’s hard to quickly find what the student has done in the summer, given the way the Common Application is structured. The only way we know what’s a summer activity is by the length of time (# hrs/# weeks) spent on the activity and if the student actually tells us. I would love to see the summer separated from the overall list, but that’s just my personal preference."

Summers do matter -- but there are many ways to make them worthwhile, fulfilling and fun for our teens, as well as attractive to colleges.

Do You Know Where Your Teens Will Be This Summer? Part 1

It's snowing here in New Jersey, but the pressure is already on (well, I feel it, anyway) to begin making plans for the summer. Educational, test prep, volunteer work, jobs? I asked the Mom's College Cram Course panel for thoughts on how teens should spend their summer vacations.

Today we'll hear from parents; tomorrow, from the professionals.

Kim Cook makes it simple. "Summer job, summer job, summer job! Preferably one they start during sophomore or even freshman summer and stick with to the end of high school. Doesn't matter how lowly - scooping ice cream imparts just as many valuable skills and life lessons as a fancy expensive program in some exotic locale. They learn how to deal with people good and bad, to be responsible for time and money (theirs and someone else's). They may learn what jobs they DON'T want to settle for down the road! Returning a second summer, or working part time through the school year, shows consistency and the added responsibilities look good on their resume."

Jeanne Hogle's children are following a similar path. Her daughter, a junior, will start off her summer with a 10-day medical conference in Philadelphia for teens interested in entering the medical field. It's an expensive 10-day seminar, which she is paying for herself through a school-year job, where she will likely work after the seminar. She will also volunteer at her church.

Her son, a sophomore, will also volunteer at church and is intent on finding a job. But Jeanne also wants to figure out ways to keep him motivated and on track, and is also thinking about SAT prep.

Sarah Wohlenhaus said her daughter will mix work and volunteer efforts, continuing at a summer camp again and possibly doing something with the Habitat for Humanity group in this area.

Tina Squyres says her family philosophy, given the stresses of the school year and how little free time our kids have, is to allow their daughters to do something that recharges their batteries and enables them to do something out of the ordinary. "Both of my kids have had very different ideas about what that is," she added.

"My older daughter participated in the Johns Hopkins Center for Talented Youth (CTY) summer programs and really loved them. She also did non-CTY engineering and medical programs since she was interested in the two careers. That was very helpful in her opinion because she realized that she liked the science behind engineering but not the application. The medical program also solidified her interest in pursuing a career in medicine. Their younger daughter has opted for travel and performing arts programs.

Tina also pointed out that both daughters are required to work the summer after senior year of high school to earn money for college expenses. "My oldest daughter did, and enjoyed it, but I think her experiences during the previous summers were invaluable to her maturation."

As Jeanne said in conclusion, "I really do not know if it makes any difference if they attend a program, go to camp, or work. With the exception of the 'goofing-off' option, I think any activity, showing an interest in SOMETHING, is a positive."

Understanding What Drives Us Crazy about Our Teens

Teens. The teen brain. Teen moods. Teen inconsistencies. Oh, and the "You don't understand..." line. The New Yorker ran a cartoon recently. Mom in teen girl's room, saying to her daughter: "It's you who don't understand me -- I've been fifteen, but you have never been forty-eight."

Aside from the laugh, here's my take-away. We all survive the teen years and most of us turn out all right. And teens simply cannot know (or appreciate) what they have not experienced or witnessed. They don't know the trouble we've seen. (And that is okay, too.)

I am an eclectic reader of periodicals. Around the time of that cartoon, I also read a well-done piece, "What's Really Going On Inside Your Teen's Head", in Parade.

Scientists are now looking at why teens seem to forget what they once knew; why they can be so bright and yet so clueless; and why all that sleep really is necessary. Read the article. It just might help.

Taking the Chances that Help Us All Grow

Despite being class president one year in high school, and enjoying speaking in front of large groups, I always felt shy in social situations, and even about speaking up in class. As a result I missed out on some exceptional chances for growth.

I've been thinking about some times when I was shy -- and then uncharacteristically bold -- over the past few days. It was prompted by the obituary of Reynolds Price, called "one of the major voices of modern Southern literature". He taught at Duke, but I never had the nerve to try to take one of his classes. Later I realized that two favorite writers, Anne Tyler, from my hometown of Baltimore, and Josephine Humphreys, from my favorite city, Charleston, SC, both studied with him. I would not have reached their levels, but oh, to have learned from him!

By the end of junior year, I was not about to miss another significant opportunity. So I interviewed for a place in a seminar run by Eugene Patterson, who had won a Pulitzer for his Atlanta Constitution editorials in strong support of racial equality. He had also been managing editor of The Washington Post at the time the Pentagon Papers were published. I got into the seminar, worked hard, and wrote my heart out for him. It was the best class of my four years.

As a finale to my boldness, I invited him to speak at my sorority and then my roommate Rachel and I asked him to join us for dinner in our dumpy off-campus apartment. He graciously accepted, and we had a not-too-bad from scratch dinner made in our tiny kitchen alcove. And we served what had to have been terrible wine, in tiny little wineglasses that might have held sherry in my grandmother's home. Still, it was a splendid evening, and I felt grown-up.

Mr. Patterson, thank you for sharing your wisdom, and your kindness.

Here's to breaking out of what we think is comfortable; often, it's when we take chances that we can make real differences in our own lives. But I am still the parent of a teen -- so let me suggest to her that measured, well-thought chances are the way to go -- at least for a little longer.

Getting Ready for Midterms -- Two Things to Remember

Our teen is facing midterms next week. For all students with tests or SATs in their future, here's a hint.

Before the test, write down your worst fears; express your concerns; get it out of your system. So say researchers from the University of Chicago in a study on how to help students who panic or freeze before an exam.

"Writing about their worries allows the students to reexamine the testing situation and reappraise it," said the lead researcher. "This frees memory resources and increases the ability to focus."

I would have thought it would be counterproductive to confront the fears right before a test. But a psychology professor not involved in the study said that that "Putting your thoughts and feelings down has been shown to increase emotional and even physical well-being," much like writing the blues.

Now, the real question might be, why even bother to test? As reported in The New York Times, another study has found that testing, not studying, is what really makes the concepts stick.

So, dear students preparing for midterms, there is a solid reason for testing, beyond grades and torture.

Building the College Prospect List -- Is It Possible to Find the Perfect Fit?

Or is it a crap shoot, as it was for me? As I have related before, my college selection process was not the least bit strategic, was scarcely tailored to my interests and lacked much adult guidance, though I had plenty of moral support.

I had blossomed in my all-girls (public) high school and thought the blossoming might continue if I went to an all-girls college. But I did not get into the one I wanted (and didn't know anything about demonstrated interest back then, or I would have demonstrated tons of interest). Nonetheless, I was accepted by Duke and received a fine education. But was it a perfect fit? Probably not.

Here's an interesting discussion on finding the right college. Frankly, perfect fit is a romantic notion that has little place in this overly competitive, everyone looking at the same 25 schools environment. So if the college your teen lands in doesn't seem, at first, the right one, ask yourself a few questions. At 17 or 18, how many teens really know what they want? And isn't part of growing up making a situation work for you?

That said, our sophomore has promised to start compiling a list of colleges that might hold interest and then looking at them on Naviance and in college guides to see if they should remain on the list.

Is the Common Application a Blessing or a Curse?

It depends, as is the case with much of life. Students believe it has made life easier -- one application for many of the schools they are interested in. Schools are thrilled because they get more applications when it becomes easier to apply -- and that means they can demonstrate lower acceptance rates, the artificial but widely acknowledged sign of a selective school.

Georgetown, however, receives fewer applications than its peers -- a deliberate tactic. Charles Deacon, dean of undergraduate admissions at Georgetown, doesn't think applicant pools are necessarily stronger just because a college may take a small percentage of students. Georgetown has opted, in essence, to look at the students most interested in it, proved by their willingness to take the time and thought to handle an uncommon application.

Georgetown also requires a personal interview for almost everyone -- something other schools can't do because of the high numbers. In addition, Georgetown does not talk with for-hire college counselors, preferring to keep the process between student and college.

Why does Deacon take this approach? He says it enables Georgetown to be “an institution that seems to have a soul, that seems to have a rationale for behaving in the public interest.”

Sounds good to me.

One Last, Reasoned, Reaction to "Chinese Mothers"

OK, so I feel a bit suckered on the Amy Chua/Chinese mothers bit. She actually relented, as seen here, and in the end, did not fully raise her children the way she described in her Wall Street Journal essay written, I am sure, to pique interest in her book.

But just to complete our end of this discussion, two Mom's College Cram Course panelists had some thoughtful comments on the issue.

From Kim Cook. "The only observations I'd offer after 20 years spent parenting two very different kids is that a single approach doesn't work for every kid. I was a pretty laid back mother except on issues of character. While they were exposed to the higher arts - classical music, good films, great books - we also let them absorb popular culture as much as was reasonable. My belief was that to become a well-rounded, well-adjusted person it was just as important to have an understanding and appreciation for the world they live in. They were 'hip' to everything their peers were 'hip' to, so they felt in sync, part of the pack. That was good for their confidence. I think this helped her become a social leader. For my son, it gave him the groundwork for a future career in new media and graphic design.

Then Kim talks about some periods during parenthood that I know we have all lived through: the words that should never have been spoken, the anger that seemed not to match the issue at hand.

"The few times during their childhood when I was not on my game, when I lost it and said things I shouldn't have, when I got into virtual spitting contests instead of taking the higher, more mature road, were times I wish I could take back. A house full of resentment, frustration, anger and bad vibes as a parent and child engage in corrosive arguments, like Amy describes in vivid detail in her accounting of the piano incident, is a bad place to be for all involved. Yes, you might get what you want out of the child by the time you've crushed their spirit, but is all that poisonous air worth it?"

And Kim also points out a parental activity I am sometimes guilty of: interference when the playing out of the problem or action is probably the best learning tool.

"One technique I really like, and wish I'd used more of, is letting the consequences of an action play out rather than rushing to 'fix' it either pre-emptively or afterwards. It's one of the hardest things as a parent to do - let your child stumble - but from what I've seen that's the best way for a lesson to sink in. I think it's good when kids 'own' their actions, good and bad - life itself can be the best lecturer!"

Barbara Rosamilia sees both sides of the issue. "I think the Chinese have a proven approach to parenting and it seems to really work,although I think there is a middle ground. I certainly would not call a child a name, as Amy suggested she did. However, I really like the concept of the kids owing the parents. I think so many Western kids believe they are entitled to a college education and they do not appreciate how much it costs."

And here's what I think. Children and teens must learn to make decisions on their own, in order to become responsible, caring adults. And yes, they must learn about consequences -- something difficult to do if everything is mapped out. And we all need a balance of work and fun, especially as the race to college heats up. We need to know how to guide, not torture; we need to remember how to enjoy time together, not turn each moment into a lecture or litany of reminders.

"Chinese Mothers" Essay -- You'll Be Shocked, Or Applaud

"Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" is an essay that is making the rounds of moms, blogs, everybody. It appeared in The Wall Street Journal about a week ago. Yes, it's provocative. It also includes some commonsense advice we may all buy into, even if we don't follow it.

But the points that will catch your attention are: no playdates, no sports, hours of music practice each night, no computer games, no grade less than an A except in gym and drama, and so on.

The author, Amy Chua, suggests that Westerners don't believe their children can do certain things, or that their self-esteem will suffer if they can't do the task well. So parents let them off the hook, instead of demanding they practice or study until they succeed. Her argument is that the getting there may be tough, but if kids keep at something, they will eventually be good at it, and therefore enjoy it, because now they will be praised and rewarded for their skills.

This is over-simplified. Be sure to read the essay itself.

States Deal with the Out-of-State Conundrum

I understand the economic and emotional issues related to the number of out-of-state students accepted by state schools.

A Virginia legislator has an idea. He wants to limit the number of non-Virginia students accepted to the state's schools to no more than 25 percent. The upside: more Virginia students (straight A, high test score kids who today are rejected) will attend. The downside: the state loses money because non-state students pay roughly three times as much as their Virginia classmates. Today, some of the schools in the system take as many as 40 percent out-of-staters.

Unfortunately, diversity would fall victim if Virgina and other states followed this course. And one of the great joys of college is meeting people from all over the country, and gaining insights from their different perspectives.

I was curious about our state's main university, Rutgers. Only 13 percent of its students aren't from New Jersey. I wonder if that is by choice, or because some states' schools just attract more out-of-state students than others.

Teach Personal Finance in High School, Please

I was almost wrong. Good thing I checked.

Prompted by a New York Times column about a college offering a course in personal finance, I was all set to rail about it being too late in college to teach such things, that it ought to be done in high school. And then I was going to rail about the lack of such a course at our high school.

But our school offers a course that "provides students with practical knowledge and confidence to address many of the complex financial problems of daily living." That includes going to college (I hope there is a section on college loans and their implications), living independently, budgeting a paycheck, understanding taxes and completing a federal tax return.

It just seems to me that kids need to understand this stuff. It would be particularly useful for teens to understand not only the options for financing college, but also why their parents may not be able to fund all college expenses.

Sometimes financial sacrifices (for parents today, or students when they are on their own, paying off loans) make sense. Sometimes they don't. Greater financial literacy may help teens understand why these college-funding decisions are so difficult.

Great Value in Research Papers -- So Why So Few Assignments Given?

Maybe I am simply strange. Certainly my daughter would agree -- and suggest I keep my opinions to myself. The evidence of my strangeness? I enjoyed writing major research papers in high school and think kids should have at least one major paper a year, in history or English.

Developing such a paper requires organization, logic, strong arguments, persuasive use of research data -- and good, solid writing. At least one person agrees with me. William H. Fitzhugh publishes The Concord Review, which features high school research papers. Fitzhugh, by the way, is dean of admissions at Harvard. He so believes in keeping the research paper alive that he has been publishing the review for 23 years, supporting the endeavor with grants.

Here's what really made me cry. Only four of the 22 essays published in the last two issues were by public school students. So the experience of writing a major paper -- and gaining all sorts of skills (and confidence)-- is becoming relegated to the privileged. The reason, and I do understand the problem, is time. Public school teachers, teaching many fairly large classes, simply don't have the ability to read and grade long papers. Can't we come up with a solution so that our children gain experience in this kind of research and writing?

The papers I wrote in high school and college were challenging and stretched my brain in ways that studying for a test never can. I hope my daughter is assigned one or two such papers in high school. Even if she hates me for bringing up the subject.

Shocking News About Legacies -- They Do Help

We recently visited some friends and the conversation veered to that favorite topic of all parents of teens of a certain age -- college. Our host said he thought that legacy students really had a significant advantage when applying to that school.

I scoffed at the notion, said that studies show that maybe, just maybe, the legacy student might have an edge if all things were equal between two candidates. Then I said it is just not the advantage people think it is.

Apparently I lied, big time. A study reported in The Chronicle of Higher Education finds that in the past the legacy advantage had not been measured accurately -- it was too low. Get this: the Harvard researcher doing the study found that primary legacies -- those with a parent receiving an undergraduate degree from the school -- had an advantage of 45.1 percent. Secondary legacies (sibling, aunt, uncle or grandparent, or a parent who attended graduate school at the university) -- were 13.7 percent more likely to gain admission. SAT scores, as you can see, were also a factor in the whether legacies help.

Another fascinating angle of the study: the conclusions are related to the most and least selective colleges. The legacy benefit is lots less for students applying to middle range colleges.

Okay. Now I am off to eat crow.

It's Not All About AP Courses

About three weeks ago, right before the holidays, our high school was holding its winter concert. There was a bomb threat nearby; the concert was canceled for that evening, as I reported at the time.

It was rescheduled for tonight, and the show did go on: three and a half hours of freshman choir and orchestra, honors music performances and astounding work by the choirs. It was a wonderful evening for the students and their families and for a school district that believes in the power of the arts -- music and fine arts.

The performances weren't perfect -- though some came pretty close -- but you could see the passion and enthusiasm on the students' faces. And their thrill when they received a deserved -- and sustained -- standing ovation.

Experts have long thought music can make a difference in how students perform academically. Here's a collection of findings related to the arts and how they enhance education.


Finally, here are two Einstein quotes:

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."

"If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music."

So maybe we should make sure our kids get a little chorus with their calculus; some band with their biology.

Can We Guide Our Girls to (Sexually) Safe Campuses?

As our daughters are considering colleges, I wonder how often they -- or we -- try to assess the schools' reputations when it comes to the sexual victimization of women? Colleges are forced to provide crime statistics but how can potential applicants really assess the climate until they actually start attending the school, the classes, the parties.

More than 10 years ago the U.S. Department of Justice published a report on The Sexual Victimization of College Women. The reason for the research?
"College campuses host large concentrations of young women who are at
greater risk for rape and other forms of sexual assault than women in the
general population or in a comparable age group...women at a college that
has 10,000 female students could experience more than 350 rapes a year—
a finding with serious policy implications for college administrators." The study also looked at other forms of sexual victimization beyond rape.

I doubt the numbers have improved in 10 years. So how can we find out if women face a particularly toxic climate at some schools? And what should we be saying to our girls now so that they will not allow their own victimization?

It's 2011! Must we continue to deal with biology is destiny kinds of issues? Why do we still have to read about colleges that appear to condone bad/criminal behavior against their women. Is there anything colleges can do to change student behavior? I am talking about both the men who victimize and the women who accept victimization as their lot.

Would girls ever consider boycotting highly selective colleges where they may not get the respect they deserve?

Easing into the New Year with Updates

I have been missing in the action of the holidays. But time is getting short -- no more breaks of this kind. We've got a teen entering the second half of her sophomore year. Time's a wasting.

Here's a look at what has been happening on the admissions front during the past few weeks.

A kertuffle over the Common Application. Apparently for a decade or so it has taken years off teens' and parents' lives because its 150 word limit on essays somehow manages to cut off words from applicants' checked and re-checked word counts. The Common App actually uses a space rather than a word limit. Woe to the applicant with too many "M"s or "W"s in the essay. The problem is called truncation, has been around for years, but this admissions season frustration spilled over.

And just when we thought we were beginning to understand the personal essay and what it should say, the video essay is on the upswing.

And thanks to brother-in-law George Wolfe for alerting me to this NPR piece on the stresses of high school and how even if parents, educators and teens agree that the process is too anxiety-ridden, no one wants to pull the plug on AP classes. That might put students at a disadvantage in the applicant pool.

There's no question that the college waters are roiling, but not around our daughter -- not at this minute, anyway. People are asking me what schools interest our daughter; I don't think she has any specific thoughts right now. Some campuses appeal to her, she listens to what friends are saying about their early choices, but she isn't driving herself crazy with it. Yet. Her time will come. But first there are mid-terms.

Sometimes Life Really Isn't Fair

It's not always teen angst.

The music students at our high school had been preparing for the winter concert for months. And this concert was a big deal. In the past, there were three separate concerts, for band, orchestra and chorale. Last night all three groups were to be on stage together -- and all the parents were there. It was a full and enthusiastic house.

The freshmen concert band was playing its second piece when something really odd happened. The district superintendent went onstage, said something to the music teacher who was conducting, and he brought the the music to an end. Then the superintendent announced we all needed to evacuate. About five minutes later, the concert was canceled. There was a nearby bomb scare -- not even related to the school -- but the police played it safe.

Our kids had rehearsed during three class periods yesterday, they were excited and ready to shine. Then, their big night came to a halt. Their frustration, anger and disappointment was understandable.

The concert has been rescheduled for early January. But in all of the excitement, I didn't think to watch the CNBC program on The Price of Admission: America's College Debt Crisis. Probably would have made me even more depressed.

Take the Time to Look for the Essence of Your Teen

A lot of admissions-related news right now focuses on early decision and application procrastination.

Let's take a break from all of the college stuff and just spend some time marveling about our teens. I know that isn't easy, sometimes, when they don't accomplish tasks in our time frame, or don't clean their rooms as requested, or get a disappointing grade. It's time to take a few minutes to look at our teens, without the layers of our self-imposed expectations.

I think that if we are honest, most of us will be pretty proud and amazed that we have such great kids. We'll each find a different child after we've stripped away those things, that 10 or 50 years from now, just won't matter.

When I do this, I see a daughter who has good friends of all ages; is kind to children; enjoys music and wants to make it a part of her life beyond high school; can hold her own in a conversation with adults; has wonderful enthusiasms that make her happy; perseveres despite setbacks, and does so with a positive attitude; loves family traditions, particularly those related to holidays.

Here's to our teens! Here's to remembering what is really important, and also being understanding -- to ourselves -- when we revert to the traditional nagging parent. Of course, that is behavior we will try to overcome in 2011 even if we know it's impossible.

We Can't Talk Enough About Money

I recently attended a session at our high school given by a financial aid officer at a local college.

He reviewed a number of issues, including key points about the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA). New in 2011-2012 will be a major redesign of FAFSA on the Web (FOTW) that includes the ability to retrieve data from the IRS that may be transferred to FAFSA.

He also listed two other strategies for making college more affordable: accelerated learning (taking two classes each summer can shorten the stay in college by a semester, for example) and living off-campus, which enables the room and board costs to be paid monthly, rather than in a lump sum. Finally, he stated that students who have some financial stake in the process (even if it is just paying for books or personal expenses) seem to take their college experience more seriously. I can't verify that, but it sure makes sense.

Meanwhile, here's a nice tidy list of financial aid myths -- good reminders for those of us just starting to think about financial aid.

The Wait is Over for Many, But Not All

I'm talking about Early Decision (ED) -- either a beautiful thing or a concept that has gone horribly wrong, depending on who's talking. As a refresher, if a student is accepted early decision, usually in December, it is a binding decision. Many experts think it is a good approach IF the college is the first, second and third choice and has programs that mesh completely with the student's interests.

Here's The Choice's take, The New York Times admissions blog by Jacques Steinberg. He is trying to give voice to all sides, including the college perspective.

If you read the comments following the Steinberg post, you will taste elation, relief, depression, perseverance. But one particular post touched me -- from a parent of a happy daughter who nonetheless worries that the college admissions process is sapping life and joy from kids.

"Our family is thrilled for her. She has worked so hard at so many things, and she deserves whatever validation she can get. At the same time, as a college admission consultant and a parent, I believe that the admission environment our kids are subjected to is deeply unhealthy. We are sliding further away from what should be our focus–our children’s love of learning–to a fixation on winning some prize.
Our kids are far too stressed, too unhappy, too pressured to be able to do anything for the simple pleasure of just doing it.

"I share my daughter’s joy, but lament the fact that it’s been mostly absent these past four years."

Can Education About Fears Lead to Higher SAT Scores?

I have no idea. But this site offers its subscribers excerpts from books (usually nonfiction)that it thinks look interesting. A book it just featured, called Nerve: Poise Under Pressure, Serenity Under Stress, and the Brave New Science of Fear and Cool, by Taylor Clark, is due out in March 2011. As the publisher's marketing materials state, "Nerves make us bomb job interviews, first dates, and SATs. With a presentation looming at work, fear robs us of sleep for days. It paralyzes seasoned concert musicians and freezes rookie cops in tight situations. And yet not everyone cracks. Soldiers keep their heads in combat; firemen rush into burning buildings; unflappable trauma doctors juggle patient after patient. It's not that these people feel no fear; often, in fact, they're riddled with it."

The author says, "When you think about it, it's one of the great ironies of our time: we now inhabit a modernized, industrialized, high-tech world that presents us with fewer and fewer legitimate threats to our survival, yet we appear to find more and more things to be anxious about with each passing year. Unlike our pelt-wearing prehistoric ancestors, our survival is almost never jeopardized in daily life. When was the last time you felt in danger of being attacked by a lion, for example, or of starving to death? Between our sustenance-packed superstores, our state-of-the-art hospitals, our quadruplecrash-tested cars, our historically low crime rates, and our squadrons of consumer-protection watchdogs, Americans are safer and more secure today than at any other point in human history.

"But just try telling that to our brains, because they seem to believe that precisely the opposite is true. At the turn of the millennium, as the nation stood atop an unprecedented summit of peace and prosperity, anxiety surged past depression as the most prominent mental health issue in the United States. America now ranks as the most anxious nation on the planet, with more than 18 percent of adults suffering from a full-blown anxiety disorder in any given year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. (On the other hand, in Mexico - a place where one assumes there's plenty to fret about - only 6.6 percent of adults have ever met the criteria for significant anxiety issues.) ...And as the psychologist and anxiety specialist Robert Leahy has pointed out, the seeds of modern worry get planted early. 'The average high school kid today has the same level of anxiety as the average psychiatric patient in the early 1950s,' he writes. Security and modernity haven't brought us calm; they've somehow put us out of touch with how to handle our fears.

"Fortunately - and not a moment too soon - a flood of cutting edge research from psychologists, neuroscientists, and scholars from all disciplines is now coming together to show us what fear and stress really are, how they work in our brains, and why so much of what we thought we knew about dealing with them was dead wrong."

Now, I am not recommending the book; I don't know how much science vs. conjecture is used in the arguments. But as we go through auditions, standardized tests and hard physics exams, I must say I am curious about the content.

Thanks to friend and colleague Andrea Axelrod for passing this along to me.

Reading the PSAT Scores

PSAT Update: the scores have arrived at area schools and will be reported to parents and students at various times depending on district and school policy.

Linda Auld, of Suburban Learning Center and a Mom's College Cram Course panelist, has some pointers to help all of us interpret the scores.

1. Look at both the Section Score (20-80) and the percentile score. The percentile will give you information as to how the score compares with other sophomores or juniors who took the test.

2. Identify some schools that you and your student may be considering. Are the section scores within the range of scores reported for accepted students? If so and you are satisfied with the score range, your student may need only to review test strategies before taking the next PSAT or the SAT. If not, you may need to consider whether you feel that a more intensive prep program would be worthwhile.

3. Look at the skill category sections. Are there specific sections that were difficult for your child? If so, practice should be geared to those specific areas.

4. Analyze the test question and answer section. Determine:
-- Did the student complete each section?
-- Were the incorrect answers on easy, medium or difficult questions?
-- How many questions were omitted? Were they easy, medium or difficult?
-- On the math portion, how did your student do with the grid-ins?

5. Look carefully at the test book. (If you did not receive it with the scores, contact your guidance counselor and ask for your child’s booklet.) Did your child use active reading strategies, such as underlining or note-taking? Did he/she eliminate answer choices by crossing them out in the booklet? Did he/she mark questions when uncertain of the answer so he/she could return to them if there was time left after finishing the section?

As Linda points out, "Careful analysis of the skill category sections will help you determine the type of preparation your child needs to undertake before the next round of testing."

Linda, thanks so much for these tips!

I Feel Guilty but Can't Stop Myself

Call this a "A Mother's Lament," sung in the key of guilt.

It's tough being a teen, and it's tough being parents who want the best for their children. By that, most parents mean a successful secondary education that can lead to many options for college and beyond. To most of us, "successful" implies great grades, superlative scores, extracurricular activities that demonstrate a passion beyond the classroom.

But there are days when I don't like myself: when I go on too long -- with a child who got it before I even raised whatever topic it was -- about some school-related subject. Or when I start obsessing (in silence) about PSATs and grades of a student who is conscientious and does make the effort.

Then I read about a new film, being shown almost exclusively at schools and community organizations. It's called "Race to Nowhere," and it looks at the question we're all grappling with. How do we maintain sanity and balance when kids are being pushed -- by schools, parents, coaches and their own inner drive -- to get into highly selective schools that may not even be suited to their interests and temperament.

The movie, by the way, was made by a mother who decided to start documenting kids' lives after her 12-year-old's stomachaches were diagnosed as being caused by school pressures.

I'd like to see "Race to Nowhere" but I am not sure what can be done about the pressures we're all guilty of placing on our children.

We Just Think We're the Center of the Universe

It has been said, and I am sure it is true, that the East and West coasts are where college admissions takes on a life of its own -- as monster. In these two locations, the whole process transforms itself into a ravenous monster that tortures students and their families for two years or so, then consumes them in one mighty gulp.

Is it like this in other parts of the country -- or do kids, high schools and parents take a more reasoned, less frantic approach?

The New York Times' "The Choice" blog will help us see how students in another part of the country react to the pressures and fears through the posts of six Denver-area seniors. Here's background on the kids and The Times' reasoning behind this addition to its blog. I think this is one I'll follow. We could all use some perspective.

Our Kids Face A Different World...

But will they be prepared for it? More student loans because the economy stinks. Likely fewer opportunities for well paid jobs. A lingering sense that this was not how it was supposed to be.

Maybe these are morose musings on a Monday, but a story about cuts to language departments in colleges somehow reinforces my concerns. New students may no longer major in French, Italian, Russian and the classics.

We're at a period when knowledge of another language (or two) has never been more critical. At breakfast today, a friend suggested that our teen's best bet would be to take Chinese in college. I understand completely. But it seems that instead we are setting up our kids to be second class citizens in a global world.

And We Think Our Kids Are Under Pressure?

Just to bring us all back to reality, here's an instructive and touching story about a young Chinese immigrant woman who hopes to get into college as a first step in bringing her family out of poverty. She has spent a good part of her life as translator for her parents: dad now unemployed, mom trying to bring in a little money through sewing and doing alterations.

Her current struggle, of many, is crafting her college essay. She is getting help through a tutor from 826 Valencia, a nonprofit funded by the author Dave Eggers that helps low-income and immigrant students improve their writing and helps teachers get their students excited about literary skills.

I read somewhere that some parents spend up to $40,000 on tutoring and various advisers to help their children get into the best schools -- whatever they are, right? I'm rooting for the volunteer coach and the young woman!

Parent/Student Prep for PSAT Results

PSAT results will be released soon. Are we ready? If the scores are strong, congratulations are in order. If they could be better, it is not the end of the world but a call to action.

Do we know how to react if they are disappointing -- and do we know why they might not be as strong as expected?

I consulted with panelist Linda Auld of Suburban Learning Center. She has some good suggestions for us, whether we're parents of sophomores or juniors.

"I recommend that BEFORE the PSAT scores come back you have a conversation with your child about the testing experience. Things to consider:

1. Did they feel rushed? (Even if they answered all of the questions they may have rushed through the ones at the end.)

2. Did they know what to expect or did some of the question types surprise them, particularly double fill-ins and quantitative reasoning questions?

3. Were there questions that they had no experience with before (particularly in math and/or vocabulary words that they had never seen before) and what did they do (guess/skip it)?"

Linda also suggests that parents consider these points:

1. What do you feel was the student's motivational level? Was your teen trying to do well or just going through the motions -- a possibility especially for those who had to take it on a Saturday morning.

2. What amount of prep work did your child do before the PSAT - did he/she review prep materials thoroughly or just give the sample booklet a cursory glance?

As Linda says, "Thinking about these things BEFORE you see the results can help you better evaluate the scores."

We'll be posting more thoughts about the PSATs in the coming weeks, so please watch for additional insights.

From the Front Lines -- As Parent and Head of Admissions

Two Mom's College Cram Course panelists are involved in college admissions and are also moms with teens making college decisions. It gives a new dimension to the blurring of work and home.

Judy Aaron is vice president for enrollment at Pratt Institute, one of the major four-year art schools in the country. She seems to share the emotions that we civilians go through. But she also has some sensible reminders for us.

"Having gone through the admissions process with my daughter and now my son, I can say that it is frustrating, anxiety-producing, and ultimately rewarding as the process becomes clear and your kids begin to make progress. The common application has evolved in the last few years to include on-line teacher recommendations, so it has eliminated much of the work of printing out the forms, addressing and stamping envelopes, and then getting it to the teachers.

"The difficult part is selecting the colleges, particularly at a time when your kids may not want to talk to you much. You have to be patient and provide little bits at a time. Some will take the initiative and go on the web; others won't, and you will have to help more.

But get this -- she thinks the process, that she lives through at work every day, can be just as difficult for those in the business. "The part that we don't realize as admissions professionals is how easy it is to lose track of the requirements of a particular school or the deadlines if you don't have a system for remembering and logging them in. My staff is always exasperated by students who fail to submit materials in time to meet our requirements, but I now understand how easy it is to forget to send an SAT score to a college you included late in the process.

"Again, the common application makes it very easy to keep track of the application submission, the supplement, the payment, and the recommendations, but you have to keep track of transcript submissions and SAT score submissions on your own. Dartmouth does a great job of reminding students immediately after they receive their application and supplement of what else is needed. That becomes a trigger for you."

Good golly, if admissions people think this is complicated...

Funding College in Times of Divorce

Paying for college isn't easy -- as we all know. It is a painful process. Even if families have tried to fund 529s, there's likely never enough. Especially if there are children within a year or so of each other. As one panelist says, the reality is that while it is a good exercise to look for scholarships, they are difficult to obtain unless there is serious financial need or the student can qualify as a minority. As for merit scholarships, they are scarce.

Then add the complication of divorce. Think about this situation: a single mom, who describes her salary as average, knows that legally the dad's financials must be used for the aid forms. He has indicated he might not contribute; he thinks it's optional for him to do so. So she doesn't know how she will manage with one child a sophomore, the other a junior.

One of our admissions experts says, "You’ll definitely want to speak with the financial aid offices at the schools your children decide to apply to. Having two children in college at one time often makes a big difference in the amount of financial aid you’ll receive. Unfortunately, as long as their dad is still in the picture, there is an expectation at most colleges that he contribute, too."

Her advice to parents who are negotiating divorce settlements: "Make sure college is part of the conversation."

I Have Been A Slacker

So how can I get upset with our teen for not accomplishing all that I think she should? I apologize for the lack of posts.

Panelists, however, have provided great insights for upcoming posts -- so stay tuned for new input next week.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and remember what's really important things as we count blessing during the holiday season.

Highly Wired, With Mixed Results

The New York Times has an exhaustive piece on digital distractions facing teens, and how they are/are not coping with them. Maybe I am regressing; maybe I have trouble concentrating on just one task. This is one long story.

But read it to get an idea of what our kids are doing when we think they are studying. And also learn about the results of kids' fixation on all things digital. One teacher cited has her class read a book aloud because they don't have the attention span to read unsupervised.

What can we do? Two pieces of advice for parents:
1. Challenge kids to develop a balance of at least 50 percent educational, 50 percent recreational. Have them ask themselves who's in charge, the teen or the technology.
2. Set a good example, or at least a better one than you may be offering now, related to Blackberry use or Facebook time or games.

How do we as parents answer that question of who's in charge? I sure need to show some improvement myself.

Writing for Hire -- When Students Are the Clients

Chagrined, that's what I am. My husband, who has been blogging about communications issues for nearly seven years, spotted a first-hand account of a custom-essay writer in the Chronicle of Higher Education that I had missed. He posted a piece about it yesterday, so now I am playing catch up.

Read this and weep. This guy works for a custom-essay company whose employees write original essays on demand. That means that it's likely the student won't be caught through standard plagiarism software since nothing is being directly copied. Most of this guy's business is from graduate students, sometimes ESL students who seemingly don't feel up to the task of writing a major paper.

Some kids will always be more sophisticated in their writing than others. Some may not be stylish writers, but will be able to do a good job in developing an argument in response to a question, forming strong supporting arguments and creating a persuasive tone.

Others, lazy or feeling inadequate, may pay for papers by ladies of the write. (So sorry...) This situation gives me a new appreciation for the need for a writing portion on standardized tests.

Have any of you found sure-fire ways to boost writing skills? Not sure how to squeeze parent-given writing assignments into an already crowded schedule. Guess I will be counting on teachers to hold our students to high standards -- and help them understand how to master this critical skill.

When There's Music in Your Teen's Future

If your teen is interested in music, and wants to continue with music in college, you may want the student consider a few questions.
-- Where does music fit in her life?
-- Is is a music major that is of interest, or just staying involved in some way?
-- Does he want to improve his skills, or stay at the same level?

Once that is established, it's on to thinking about the kinds of colleges that might make sense. First, there are independent conservatories that focus just on music, including The Juilliard School, Boston Conservatory, Mannes College, etc. Then there are music schools incorporated into larger universities, such as the Peabody Conservatory of Johns Hopkins, Oberlin Conservatory of Music, University of North Texas College of Music or Westminster Choir College of Rider University. Then there are schools that are more integrated into universities, offering a broader range of degrees and giving students the opportunity to pursue non-music courses. Wikipedia is the source for this list.

Thanks to Anthony Mazzochi, professor, performer and supervisor, Fine Arts, Columbia High School.

Among Latest Admissions Trends: Note to Seniors -- Don't Slack Off

U.S. News & World Report may no longer be much of a news magazine (just a monthly now and starting in January, only available on newsstands and not by mail as it emphasizes an online presence), but it still has those reports wrapped up -- as in its many guides to colleges.

Here's its latest take on admissions trends called "Eight Big Changes to College Admissions in 2010 and 2011." Much comes from the National Association of College Admissions Counselors' recent report, which we looked at a few weeks ago. But the findings are worth thinking about.

For instance, class rank isn't as important due in part to high schools no longer offering rankings to colleges. So the colleges look at how challenging the classes are -- and most would prefer to see a B in a challenging course than an A in an easy one. Essays remain a critical part of the application -- and that is paired with another trend: increased auditing of applications including the use of plagiarism software.

Another area that is getting more attention? Senior year. Schools are looking more closely at those last semesters; they want to make sure that the courses taken continue to get more difficult -- the best way to prep for college course loads.

Early Bird Catches the Admission?

First, the primer on early decision (E.D.) and early action (E.A.).

Applying early decision makes sense when students know, without any doubt, that Old Ivy is absolutely the school of their dreams. Here's why, courtesy of the College Board.

Early decision plans are binding. Your child agrees to attend the college if accepted and if the college offers an adequate financial aid package. Although your child can apply to only one college for early decision, applying to other colleges through the regular admission process is allowed. If your child is accepted by the first-choice college early, all other applications must be withdrawn.

Early action plans are similar to early decision plans, but are not binding. If accepted, your child can choose to commit to the college immediately, or wait until the spring. Under these plans, your child may also apply early action to other colleges. Usually, candidates have until the late spring to let the college know their decision.

In both cases, the students need to have researched schools extensively, be sure the college is a first choice because it is a good match academically, socially, geographically, etc.; meets or exceeds the admission profile for SATs, GPA and class rank and has had a consistent academic record.

Here's a comment from a college admissions officer/Mom's College Cram Course panelist who is now dealing with E.D. applications.

"I think the basic reason E.D. numbers are up is because regular decision (R.D.) numbers will be up, too. It’s really a vicious cycle – kids apply to more schools, so accept rates go down, so kids apply to more schools, etc. The Common Application does make it easier to apply, and it’s no secret that schools use it to keep application numbers healthy. But it does mean kids don’t have to jump through hoops to apply to colleges given all the other things they’re dealing with senior year."

She adds, "As for E.D. specifically, at our school we’ve been very open about the fact that our acceptance rate is at least 10% higher for E.D. than for R.D. That, in turn, has increased our numbers for Early, but I don’t think unfairly. Every year I speak with students and parents who are disappointed in the R.D. process because our school was the first choice, and I know from my experience that the student would have looked much more appealing in the Early pool. (These are non-financial aid cases.) Actually, the financial aid issue is the one that keeps us from filling the class with a high percentage of E.D. applicants. We recognize that many students do need to compare packages."

Thanks to our panelist for taking a break from the E.D. process to share her insights.

I Never Considered Myself Xenophobic, And I Am Not, But...

New Jersey colleges are piggybacking on a federally funded project to gain more international students. The Study New Jersey website provides information about the state's colleges and the forms needed to attend school here. Officials describe it as a way to add all-important diversity to campuses and to create "lifelong friends for the United States."

Before I read further into the story, I knew another critical reason: these students pay the full, out-of-state tuition -- about double what New Jersey students would pay. No wonder we want them. And indeed, that is one reason given for this program.

But that begged another question -- would students paying retail receive preference over New Jersey kids, whose high-property-tax-soaked parents were counting on a break, finally, from the Garden State? In a news article, the Rutgers admissions director "dismissed the suggestion" and said it wouldn't happen since the school has gotten increasingly selective. Not sure that was a real answer to the question. And it seems to me that public colleges need to be sensitive to the fact that they will be receiving more applications from in-state during this tough economy.

Maybe I am shortsighted. Maybe I just don't get it -- after all, I can't believe how much is spent on the Rutgers football program. It will be interesting to see how many international students are attracted to New Jersey's schools.

Taking a Cue from Football -- Fining Teens for Bad Behavior

I don't pay much attention to sports but I saw this article in The Wall Street Journal about New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez and was intrigued. "The suddenly no-nonsense, etiquette-obsessed New York Jets have introduced a series of fines to punish Mr. Sanchez for his nagging habit of negative body language." He is going to get fined for pouting, slouching, blaming someone else for his own mistakes, and so on. It think this is a brilliant idea that can easily move from the football field to dining room table.

Imagine if your teen were fined every time she rolled her eyes or he blamed poor teaching for a bad grade? As responsible parents, we would hold those fines in an education escrow account. Then, around senior year parents could count up the cash and then realize they'd collected so much from their acting-out offspring that they could fund a week or so of college.

Good manners do pay!

Getting to Know Campuses Inside Out

It's the season of campus tours. We've talked about the desirability of doing college tours starting in sophomore year -- it's a way to get a feel for the campus, the kids, the classes, maybe even spend a night in a dorm.

Here's a pragmatic suggestion for freshmen and sophomores. Make friends with juniors and seniors. Maintain the relationships. Then, if they go to a school your teen is interested in, maybe an overnight can be arranged. But be sure to send your teen off with a host/hostess gift of really good snacks and other college fare.

Here's a nice summary of how to prepare for these tours, when to take them and what should be accomplished.

Sifting through the Online Resources

Remember, I am still a novice at this college admissions stuff. I also have a sense of wonder about all that technology can do. Combine those qualities and you get my reaction to CollegeWeekLive, something I just learned about from a friend whose son is a high school senior.

This is a free program. Just register and then take a look here for a set of FAQs that explain how it works. It's essentially a virtual college fair. You, or your teen, can visit the college "booths," at times conduct live chats with admissions officers and even students from featured schools and just plain learn a lot without leaving home. Of course it doesn't substitute for a campus visit, but it's a great way to get a feel for a school and to learn some basics about it. All part of the selection/winnowing process.

Silence Doesn't Make Suicide Go Away

Backpacks, 1,100 of them, were arranged neatly across a gym floor at Montclair State University in New Jersey. The backpacks, some with photos and remembrances, represented the 1,100 college students who committed suicide in 2009.

The exhibit, called "Send Silence Packing," was part of a national Active Minds conference on college student mental health and suicide prevention. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for college students, behind accidents and homicide. For all of us parents of teens, note that 14 percent of high school students have seriously considered taking their own lies, according to Center for Disease Control data.

What can we do? Start talking about it -- with our kids, at schools, everywhere. And as parents, before we send our kids off to college, we ought to find out what kind of mental health support systems are available. Maybe we need to add that to the list of things to consider about prospective colleges.

Money Talks at Colleges; Money Talks Should Be Held in Families

Here's a cheery bit of information to end the week . Dean Sklaris has been a college administrator, has taught, consulted with the ACT and now has his own business advising families on college matters.

He mentions that 100 colleges now cost more than $50,000 a year; that admissions and financial aid are not separate activities but entwined, and that it is easier to get in if parents can pay the full bill; that those who get financial aid are the kids the schools really want -- star athletes, brilliant students or those with special talents.

Sklaris' advice is to consider the financial issues early, and discuss them as a family. "If parents want to pay less, they need to understand which colleges want their child most and why. They must consider cost early in the process, and be realistic in considering schools that are not among the top brands. There are hundreds of 'hidden gems' across the country, and families who approach the process strategically stand a better chance of finding them."

Putting the Guesswork into the AP

Guessing, something we all do, every day, in nearly every aspect of our lives, has long been discouraged on College Board tests such as the SAT and AP. In fact, students were warned against random guessing in the most forceful way possible -- a wrong answer penalty.

On the other hand, the ACT, which has gained far more test-takers in recent years, doesn't have that penalty. During the summer, the College Board announced there would be a change in how AP tests are scored. To date, AP scores have been scored this way: total amount of correct answers minus a fraction for incorrect answers.

As the College Board states, "If you have SOME knowledge of the question, and can eliminate one or more answer choices, informed guessing from among the remaining choices is usually to your advantage."

The new grading feature will apply to AP tests taken in May 2011. Don't start holding your breath quite yet for a similar change on the SATs.

Grading 529 Plans

Mutual fund expert Morningstar has just published its seventh annual report on 529 plans. The report looks at 53 of the largest plans, focusing on the underlying investments, performance, manager, track record of the fund company and fees. Some were very good, others below average, particularly in terms of weak performance and high fees -- always a bad combination.

For those of us with teens in high school and no very young ones, the report may not be too useful. In fact, you may want to pass on looking for your plan's ranking. Ignorance may not be bliss in this case, but reality may bring you to tears.

AP Economics

I'll never think about AP the same way again. I thought they made our students more competitive and maybe might allow them to move beyond some 101 courses freshman year. Thanks to a story in the St. Petersburg Times, naive me is now better informed.

In Florida, which ranks No. 1 in the country in the number of students taking the tests, school districts pick up the tab which can go as high as $86 for each AP test taken. Families are thrilled because they save testing fees and then, it's estimated they will save over $40 million in fees and tuition this year thanks to courses skipped.

But somehow, when seemingly everyone is taking an AP course, how can they make a student more competitive? This fall, most incoming freshmen at Florida State University were able to exempt a semester. University of Florida freshmen had enough credits to exempt two semesters.

The issue of placing so much weight on AP tests -- and paying for them -- has led to an inevitable result: as participation rates have risen, passage rates have gone down. And Florida is wondering if this is such a good deal for the state.

And I am wondering whether AP courses are losing their glow if taking them is the norm rather than the exception. Not that I want our teen to forgo them...

Take a Breath - Remember What Matters

There are days when I feel foolish, spending time on thinking and writing about the college admissions process. Of course understanding the process is necessary as is providing informed guidance and having freewheeling discussions about college with our teens. But it is just college, for gosh sakes.

Here's what really matters. Life, family, caring for others. In the past several weeks a dear and long-time older friend had a stroke: she is recovering but her life will never be the same. A lovely young neighbor has had health issues. And the beautiful, smart and talented mother of a dear friend died. Yes, she was 87, but her decline was so fast, so difficult for her and her family; so very sad for her friends.

It puts things in perspective. Let's appreciate and love our teens -- in this moment, at this age, even if they sometimes make us crazy, even if they don't do things the way we would, even if they don't get into the schools they wanted -- or we wanted for them.

In reading Ted Sorensen's obituary today, a somewhat related thought occurred to me. As much as we hate to admit it, success often comes on the wings of luck. Here's what President John Kennedy's speechwriter (an oversimplified adjective for a man's full and long life) said about himself in his autobiography, Counselor. "I still believe that the mildest and most obscure of Americans can be rescued from oblivion by good luck, sudden changes in fortune, sudden encounters with heroes,” he concluded. “I believe it because I lived it.”

We never have total control of when our dearest leave us, or of news that isn't to our liking. So let's take charge when we can -- and show our family and friends, every day, how much they mean to us.